Nigel Cares: Put focus on actions over image

By Dr. Simon Cordery, director of Student Counseling

Recently, a patient recovering from an eating disorder sat across from me in my office. She sat with a furrowed brow, tearfully wringing her hands, uncomfortably fidgeting, restless in her chair, and worrying about how her body looked because she had gained a little weight. "How can I feel good about myself after having gained weight? What will others see when they look at me? How will a date perceive me?" she asked.

I asked, "Tell me what you like about your best friend." The patient immediately smiled and spoke at length, freely and easily, about all the great qualities her best friend has: Smart, funny, kind, humorous, mischievous, adventurous, brave, supportive, honest, feisty, dependable, vulnerable, creative, expressive, just to name a few of the many qualities she clearly appreciated about her friend.

I listened intently until she fell silent. Then I spoke, "Do you realize you just talked for 5 minutes about what was important about your friend and never once mentioned a physical attribute of their body?"

So I will challenge you just like I challenged her. Think about it. Aren't the inner qualities of a person, rather than the shape or size of their body, so much more important? Aren't the shared values or differing attitudes what ultimately make an attraction work or halt a relationship? Aren't the person's behaviors, choices, decisions, actions, and personality what make them distinctive?

Think about it. What qualities do you have that you want others to notice and appreciate about you? Just like you spend time exercising your body, maybe you should also spend some time exercising those aspects, talents, and endowments that make up your whole person. I think you will find improved self-image is a surprise result.

Another way to put this in to practice is to stop complimenting other people on their appearance and instead start complimenting them on one or more of the attributes to like or admire about them. Likewise, don't be critical of someone's appearance or weight. Practice taking someone seriously for what they say rather than how they look.

Finally, if you, or someone you know, is struggling with body image issues or an eating disorder, seek help. Body image issues and eating disorders can be and are treated successfully all the time. It may not be easy, but with the right help many people really do recover.

For more helpful information, visit the National Eating Disorders Association website.